AlarmOTron
by Hunter Kitty
Summary: Because the Alarm-O-Tron can shout about more than just the RED Spy in your base.


A/N: So I _was_ going to work on completely rewriting Humiliation's second chapter. Then I couldn't think of how to get the wording right. Then I started writing this thing for school and I got caught up in that. I only get to borrow the textbook I'm using for it until the end of the school year, so I'll be working on that for a while. I'll try to get back to my other fic on summer break.

In the meantime, I put my time, effort, and stupidity into a hopefully semi-humorous fic about the Alarm-O-Tron machine shown in the Meet the Spy video. Apparently, you can read all the little plaques in the HD version. I found it hilarious, and used that to make an attempt at not-suckish writing.

Unless my memory (and/or eyesight) has failed me, all of the emergency phrases I used in this fic are actually possible with the squares on the giant alarm board.

* * *

RED Spy knew now, more than ever, that he was a bloody _genius_.

He'd snuck by the enemy security, sapped the BLU team's unwatched sentry, and managed to slip down the stairs and into the intelligence room. That beautiful blue briefcase was just sitting there, unguarded, for him to steal. However, just as he began a haughty laugh and confident stride over to the desk, something else caught his eye.

Over to the left, just beyond a clear glass window, was a machine of enormous proportions. There were at least a hundred small blue rectangles with white lettering on them, and the device hummed with life. At the moment, three of the lettered lights were lit. A high up one proclaimed 'Intruder Alert', while two others described 'Red Spy' and 'In Base'.

It was strangely familiar, Spy thought, remembering that his own base had a nearly identical machine. It always blared its sirens whenever the intel was being stolen or the BLU Spy had broken in. It got annoying sometimes, but it was useful more often than it was a hindrance.

As a matter of fact, he could hear the proof to that statement barreling down the stairs as he stood. Frowning to himself at the inopportune interruption, he reached forward to the desk to snatch the briefcase and make a mad dash for the exit. However, he was struck by a brilliant idea just before his gloved hand set on the handle.

There was a much, _much_ better way to handle this little dilemma. He flicked on his cloaking watch and stole away as the door burst open.

—

"Go Go Go!" BLU's Scout yelled at the top of his lungs, barreling into the room and then screeching to a halt. "Oh, wait. It's cool, guys. Intel's still here."

"Vhat?" Medic complained. "Ve ran all zhis vay and he'z not even here?"

"Yeah, can ya believe it?"

"At attention, men!" barked Soldier, who also chose this time to barge into the room. Pushing right past his teammates, he approached the desk and carefully examined it as though he could see fingerprints or DNA. "The briefcase is in place and just fine, boys."

"Yeah, thanks for that, Captain Obvious," Scout scoffed, folding his arms across his chest and turning away. "Great. Now I gotta run all the way back up to get back to where the _real_ action is!"

"Like _zat's_ a problem," Medic said, rolling his eyes.

"We can't let our guard down yet..." Soldier waved an arm towards the alarm system behind the window. "The lights are still on, comrades! We still have a spy in our base!"

As if on cue, the lights on the machine flickered off, and a bright green 'All Clear' light re-lit. The trio stared in amazement for a moment or two, blinking at the sudden change.

"Well," Scout chirped, already turning to speed out of the room. "All good! Latah, knuckleheads!" Without a moment's hesitation, he was out the door. Medic followed soon after, grumbling something about Pyro "taking hiz damn time with thingz." With a final glance at the alarm machine, Soldier made his exit as well.

—

That night, the BLU base was dead silent. Not a creature was stirring. (The mice had long ago made their hasty escape.) Even Scout had set aside the Bonk in exchange for a good night's sleep.

Well, what _would_ have been a good night's sleep.

"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" the omniscient voice shrieked, effectively startling everyone out of bed. "THE RED SPY IS IN THE BASE!"

"GET A MOVE ON, MEN!" Soldier nearly matched the alarm in sound, and within moments the rest of the team was groggily stumbling out of bed.

"What the hell, man!" Scout complained, grudgingly wiping the sleep out of his eyes. "Why can't he attack during the day or somethin'?"

"Roll call, soldiers!" ordered the Soldier. "Scout!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm frickin' here..."

"Good. Pyro!"

"Hrrr!"

"Nice attitude, Pyro! Engie?"

"Right here."

"And Heavy?"

"Awake and ready to kill tiny coward!"

"Demoman!"

"Bloodeh...Ah'm here all'ight."

"Medic!"

"Ja, Ja. Here."

"Sniper!"

There was silence for a moment, and heads whipped around in search for their eighth member. There wasn't a brown hat in sight.

"He's not here," Scout grumbled. "Spy's gone, too. The loners pro'bly ignored us. I know Sniper sleeps like the frickin' dead after all that caffeine crap he chugs."

"The pot callin' the kettle black," muttered Engineer.

"Or," Soldier proposed, "maybe the RED Spy killed our Spy, took his place, and is after Sniper next!" Invigorated with the spirit of battle, he punched the air and dashed off. "Move out, boys! We have an Australian to save! U-S-A! U-S-A! Hoo-ah!"

—

After a long and fruitless search of the base, the BLUs ran out of spots to look. The kitchen was the only place they hadn't yet looked, and all seven of them congregated there.

"He has to be in there," Soldier whispered. "You men stay out here and I'll take him out."

No one bothered to object. (Though Demoman did managed to pass out while standing. Whether or not that was a reply remained undetermined.) Medic even went so far as to shoo him off.

After a momentary salute, Soldier snuck over to the entryway and peered inside. The room was horribly dark, but he could make out two figures at the kitchen table. One of them had the distinctive hat of the Sniper, and the other was easily the silhouette of a Spy. Soldier immediately knew what was going on.

"He's killed our Spy," he breathed to himself, "and is threatening Sniper for information!" Determined to save his teammate, he carefully retrieved his shovel and inched forward towards the table. He was careful to sidle sideways and approach the enemy from the back. As he moved closer, he could hear what the two were talking about.

"So the jar book was a piece o' piss," Sniper was saying, "but that Razorback thing'll save me a heap a' trouble. No more backstabs for me."

"Of _course_," the spy scoffed, seeming all too sure of himself. "You go ahead and have fun with your battery-powered ironing board. But if you're going to make yourself slower..." He shifted a bit and was soon brandishing a thick revolver that reflected the moon's light. "...You ought to bring something worthwhile."

Soldier didn't give a moment's hesitation. "DIE, MAGGOT!" he screamed, leaping forward with shovel in hand.

"Qué?" was all Spy had time to exclaim before shovel met skull. He didn't even get the chance to turn around. One moment, he was having a conversation on recently-ordered weaponry, and the next he was face to surface with a wooden table.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Sniper inquired. He sounded confused, but not too much so. After all, it was _Solder_. One never knew what to expect.

"I just saved your life, soldier!" barked the army man. "Your new tree backpack wouldn't have stopped a bullet!"

"Razorback," Sniper corrected patiently. Already, he was starting to piece things together. "And that was _our_ Spy that ya just bludgeoned."

Blinking cluelessly, Soldier took a moment to glance down at the Spy (who had moved on to gripping the back of his head in pain while muttering every curse he knew), and then back at Sniper. "But the gun–"

"Brand new. The bloke got it with a couple a' new watches. Since I can't sleep and he's on night watch, we figured we could do a bit of showin' off," shrugged the Australian. As Soldier mulled things over, Sniper took a moment to smirk down at the Spy. "Bet yer wishin' you had a 'battery-powered ironing board' now."

"Shut up..." Spy muttered, not even putting the effort into lifting his head off the table.

Soldier, however, still didn't quite understand. "Well if he's not the RED Spy, then why did the alarm–"

"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" the alarm sounded once more. Except this time, the details that followed were a bit different. "Red Pyro is above you!"

Out of instinct, both Soldier and Sniper turned their heads upwards. Fortunately, the ceiling was completely Pyro-free.

"For the sake of our team'z average IQ," Spy grumbled into the table, "I hope neither of you actually looked up for that."

Both of the men glanced to each other and, with a tacit agreement not to mention the ceiling search, jogged off to check on the alarm machine. Goodness knew what kind of warning was next.

—

RED Spy was currently having the time of his life. He snickered to himself as he ran his eyes over the remote control in his hands. He found himself repeatedly thanking their Medic for the idea of a walkie-talkie system, and was _extremely_ thankful that he'd bothered to put Engie's frequency on it. Sure, he currently owed the Texan a favor, but it was _so_ worth it.

With a smile similar to what one would expect of the devil incarnate, he rested his back against the headboard of his bed and started putting together all sorts of phrases. Whoever had thought up those plates had some insane ideas.

"What the hell are you doin' down there?" Scout inquired in a whisper, leaning over the edge of his top-bunk bed to see what was going on. All he knew was that Spy had been on some sort of giggle-fit ever since he'd gotten that remote. Whatever was so hilarious, Scout wanted in.

"Oh, nothing," Spy chuckled. "Only giving the BLUs a night they won't soon forget."

More curious than ever, Scout leaned over further, just barely managing to peek over Spy's shoulder and see the buttons on the remote. "That looks like that big pile of junk down in the bottom of our base."

"It's just the same," Spy explained. "This one controls the alarm in BLU base."

"Oh," Scout breathed, reading the buttons that were there. Soon he found himself smirking along with Spy. "I've got a good one. Try this out..."

—

"EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY. THE LOST DRACULA HAS AN EVIL TWIN."

Soldier stared at the Alarm-O-Tron in confusion. Never before had their machine failed them. It had always informed them of enemies. Without it, they would never know if the briefcase went missing.

And now...

"EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY. BLU MEDIC SMELLS."

"Call Engie down here," Soldier whispered, staring blankly at the machine. Sniper nodded in reply as he pulled out his walkie-talkie.

"Hey, Truckie? Can you get down here? Somethin's buggered with the alarm machine."

In a minute or two, the hard-hatted technician ran into the room. He was just in time to be loudly informed that BLU Scout was a robot. Pushing his goggles up a bit, he examined the machine curiously. "Well, it's not tellin' the truth. That's for sure."

"Really now?" Sniper muttered sarcastically as the machine accused him of leaking a video. "Never would've guessed."

Frowning, Engineer walked over to the machine and took a closer look. He couldn't deduce anything from the exterior, so he moved around to the back of the machine and checked there. Nothing big seemed to be out of place at first. Then he noticed the small sapper in a tangle of wires right about dead center in the machine.

"Boys, our machine's been sabotaged," Engineer called back to them.

"D'ya know who did it, mate?" Sniper inquired.

"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! RED SPY OWNS THE BASE!"

"Well," sighed the Engineer. "I can take a guess."

—

"Oh, man! I got a good one!" RED Scout bounced. "Tell 'em their Demo's drunk!"

"That's merely stating the obvious," Spy chastised. "Be more original. Let's tell them that _our_ Demoman stole a car."

"As if," Scout scoffed. "I can do better than that. How about–"

_BeepBeepBeep!_

The two REDs blinked as their conversation was suddenly interrupted by a long burst of sentry fire. However, no screaming followed. Out of curiosity, they poked their head around the corner to see what was up.

The wooden wall across from the sentry was absolutely covered in bullet holes and then topped off with a dash of rocket explosion stains. It looked as though enough ammunition had been fired to down a steel-plated elephant. But there wasn't a single drop of blood. on the ground.

"That's odd," Spy mused. "Maybe...Maybe we should go check on the briefcase."

"Y-Yeah," Scout agreed nervously, dashing back into the room to grab his bat. Spy followed to grab his equipment, and the duo crept down the stairs to the intelligence room.

Slowly, ever-so-carefully, Spy pushed the door open and glanced in the room while Scout watched the back. He let out a sigh of relief upon seeing the briefcase in it's usual spot.

"It must have just been a Scout with Bonk," he said. "I suppose the sentry just pushed him right back out the door."

"Oh, good," Scout sighed. "For a second there, I thought that he'd–"

"EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY," blared the alarm of the RED base. The sound caused both the Spy and the Scout to jump and turn towards the machine. "THE RED SPY IS A WOMAN."

Spy paled. "Oh, damn..."

* * *

A/N: It took me like three tries to get the ending to make some resemblance of sense. (I would make RED Spy say something worse, but I don't like swearing with any words past 'damn' so I try not to. Even on the internet. And I don't know enough bad words in other languages to get away with that.)

Nevertheless, I hope it didn't fail horribly. I'll delete it if it seems to be totally hated.


End file.
